Unhinged

Tessa,

Hey there. I just wanted to thank you for hanging out with me on Friday. Spending much of the night gently weeping while you looked on wasn't exactly what I had planned, but it was good to be able to talk with you about everything. I felt shittier than at any other time in my life and talking with you was really helpful. So I just want to say thanks for listening and for being a wonderful friend. I hope it goes without saying that anytime you need a place to go or someone to take your mind off things I'm there for you. Even if you just feel like hanging out!

I had lunch plans with my mom on Saturday but I couldn't even get out of bed. She came to my apartment, scooped me up in her arms, and held me while I sobbed into her chest for three hours. I know that's a weird image, and it's hard for me to admit that that's how I spent my Saturday afternoon.

I can't be friends with Nicole. Everything that's happened between her and Kevin seems so shady and suspect. Add that to the fact that she wrote me an e-mail letting me know how awful she felt for lying to me (but not for any of her other actions), and although it contained many words the three she omitted were "I am sorry." I've been thinking a lot about the way she's treating Jenna right now, too. Maybe she's just naïve. I don't know. But I've never felt so betrayed or insignificant.

I miss Kevin so much that I physically hurt, and every time I think of him I imagine how wonderful it would be to plunge my face into his neck so that I can soak in the smell of him. It's my favorite smell in the whole world. But I don't get to do that and somebody else does. It's fucking killing me.

I'm realizing that, with the help of friends, I would have coped with and recovered from this devastating break-up, but right now I feel so bitter and angry and jealous. I feel like it's poisoning me. Like my soul went from being open and full and light to muddy, grim and toxic. I'm not sleeping well, but I don't even want to fall asleep at night because I'm plagued by excruciating nightmares. I'm barely eating. I'm not taking care of myself. I need to seek professional help because I don't want to find out what might happen if I don't.

Most days I stare eternity in the face and wonder how many more nights I'll be spending alone, how many smiles and kisses and secrets they'll exchange, how many more lies I'll readily believe; questioning myself and my capacity to love; hating myself for not being able to get over this. My life is reduced to an hour by hour game of survival and I don't feel like I'll make it another fifteen minutes and I can't believe I feel this way and I can't stop crying. There isn't a single moment in the day that I look forward to.

I need help. I need help because I'm on the edge and I am holding on to that edge with my fingertips.