It's like, when I was with you my mind was a hardwood floor. Like each cortex and chemical and neuron was an individual floorboard; well cut, planed smooth and inset tightly with the others around it to create a solid, sturdy, supportive whole.

Now that you've cast me aside, now that you're with her (and why can't I stop picturing you with her?), the boards are gapped, knotted, warped, weak planks. They squeak when trod upon, stand gauchely out, and are so loose that other things, like confidence and optimism and self-worth, may be concealed beneath them like some demented time capsule.

You are my blood

I love you, I love you, My Secret Agent Lover Man, my wish list come true.
I will always love you more than anyone.

What I want...

is to have a wound that bleeds, that needs sutures and anesthesia.

I seem to be undergoing some kind of nervous collapse.

Oh, babe

You're good for nothing
And nothing is good enough for you.

La vita é bella

"Natasha has just come up to the window from the courtyard and opened it wider so that the air may enter more freely into my room. I can see the bright green strip of grass beneath the wall, and the clear blue sky above the wall, and sunlight everywhere. Life is beautiful. Let the future generations cleanse it of all evil, oppression and violence, and enjoy it to the full."

-Leon Trotsky

Unhinged

Tessa,

Hey there. I just wanted to thank you for hanging out with me on Friday. Spending much of the night gently weeping while you looked on wasn't exactly what I had planned, but it was good to be able to talk with you about everything. I felt shittier than at any other time in my life and talking with you was really helpful. So I just want to say thanks for listening and for being a wonderful friend. I hope it goes without saying that anytime you need a place to go or someone to take your mind off things I'm there for you. Even if you just feel like hanging out!

I had lunch plans with my mom on Saturday but I couldn't even get out of bed. She came to my apartment, scooped me up in her arms, and held me while I sobbed into her chest for three hours. I know that's a weird image, and it's hard for me to admit that that's how I spent my Saturday afternoon.

I can't be friends with Nicole. Everything that's happened between her and Kevin seems so shady and suspect. Add that to the fact that she wrote me an e-mail letting me know how awful she felt for lying to me (but not for any of her other actions), and although it contained many words the three she omitted were "I am sorry." I've been thinking a lot about the way she's treating Jenna right now, too. Maybe she's just naïve. I don't know. But I've never felt so betrayed or insignificant.

I miss Kevin so much that I physically hurt, and every time I think of him I imagine how wonderful it would be to plunge my face into his neck so that I can soak in the smell of him. It's my favorite smell in the whole world. But I don't get to do that and somebody else does. It's fucking killing me.

I'm realizing that, with the help of friends, I would have coped with and recovered from this devastating break-up, but right now I feel so bitter and angry and jealous. I feel like it's poisoning me. Like my soul went from being open and full and light to muddy, grim and toxic. I'm not sleeping well, but I don't even want to fall asleep at night because I'm plagued by excruciating nightmares. I'm barely eating. I'm not taking care of myself. I need to seek professional help because I don't want to find out what might happen if I don't.

Most days I stare eternity in the face and wonder how many more nights I'll be spending alone, how many smiles and kisses and secrets they'll exchange, how many more lies I'll readily believe; questioning myself and my capacity to love; hating myself for not being able to get over this. My life is reduced to an hour by hour game of survival and I don't feel like I'll make it another fifteen minutes and I can't believe I feel this way and I can't stop crying. There isn't a single moment in the day that I look forward to.

I need help. I need help because I'm on the edge and I am holding on to that edge with my fingertips.

:-|

Ever notice the way young faces from old photographs look subtly different from young faces now?

Sprint Ahead>>>

My Sprint Service Team really loves me. All they want to do is serve me better. Does your service team love you?

~~~~~~~~^~~~

to those who have tried
but only did fail
shaken and bruised
by tides and travail
drop not down your anchor
nor settle with rancor,
nor idle or rest unassured.
but instead be unmoored
on the ship stay aboard,
afloat in the water and poised for the breeze
follow the wind when it blows to the seas
direction may change, change yours with ease
for what was one minute choppy and hopeless to ride
may the next be your clearest current and guide,
and though in the ocean no path leaves a trail
a boat must be untied
before it can sail